On Croning

On this journey through life, there are both events and processes, events so great that they shape and mold our understanding of self, processes so subtle that we are almost at the end of one before we appreciate the fact that it has started at all.

A friend asked me what I meant by "croning" and I had to take a step back from my own life and view the process of moving from Maiden to Mother to Crone. Of all the life processes, this one is, perhaps, the subtlest, the most obvious and the most miss-understood.

Much human lore revolves around these three incarnations of the female deity. She is revered in all of her phases, however our society is so youth oriented that women passing through these stages tend to be dismissed out of hand when they reach the age of croning.

The Maiden is revered for her fresh faced innocence and her budding body, preparing to enter the Mother stage. The Mother is revered as well, for her ability to provide continuity of the male genetic lineage, and for providing proof of male virility. We can slip from Maiden to Mother without any more than a passing ripple to mark the transition.

The Crone, however, is dismissed as no longer able to fulfill the duties that the male dominated, youth oriented society has assigned her. This puts her under a microscope of her own making, seeing each gray hair, each early sign of menopause, each battle lost to gravity as making her less and less useful to society, her life less and less meaningful. At the very time where she should be celebrating her new found freedom to focus on her own spiritual growth, her own path, her new insights that makes her gifts to society more meaningful, she is filled with feelings of failure, uselessness and alienation.

Instead of resuming her personal spiritual journey, she suffers from the Empty Nest Syndrome. Instead of sharing her hard won knowledge with the younger generations, she spends time at a fat farm trying to recapture lost youth. Instead of taking her place as a matriarch in her family, she beats a path to the plastic surgeon.

Our society loses much in not valuing the croning process or the Crone

Growing Together

I would walk by your side,
and share with you my love.
I can not walk behind you.
You would hide me from the sun.
You must not walk behind me,
for you also need the light.
Side by side, on the road of life,
we can meet each new challenge
and grow together, always.

Impressing

You were impressed.
I was afraid
I couldn't live up
to your expectations.

You weren't impressed.
I was afraid
I couldn't live up
to my expectations.

The Missing Magic of Christmas

I am not hearing kids talking about making garlands for the tree, going to get the tree, making gifts, making decorations, any of those things that made the Christmas Season magical. I am not hearing about families looking forward to missing members being home for Christmas. Even for those who are not practicing Christians, Christmas is a season for celebrating the love of family and gratitude for all we have, of sharing with those less fortunate, remembering those who are far away and can not be with us at this magical season.

It is hard to believe that December is not yet here, but Christmas wish lists are everywhere. I am not sure when and how it became so commercialized, but I really dislike seeing the "Gimme" mentality at every turn. It is another symptom of the magic going out of the lives of children.

The big news items over the weekend are about Sunday Shopping, just in case 6 other days a week are not enough to buy all the stuff little Johnny wants for Christmas. Pressure is put on parents to get the latest and greatest toys, brand name clothing, and any other thing that a person can write on a wish list. If these items are not under the tree on Christmas morning, you are a bad parent, incapable of satisfying the needs of your children. If your children do not go to school with the right manufacturers label all over their clothing and book bags, your parenting skills are again brought into question. The kids who don't have these things are teased and put down by the "have" kids.

It is so prevalent that even charity has to come in extra large. Our local mall has a "Giving Tree" each year, where Social
Services writes the first name of a child and his or her Christmas Wish gift on a card. You can take a card, buy the gift and give it to Social Services to wrap and give the needy child for Christmas. After reading through all the cards on the tree, I had to walk away unable to afford any of the gifts even for my own family. All requests came with brand names, all the brand names were at the top of the price field. It seems that if children do not go to school wearing the right clothes, carrying the right accessories, they are shunned by the ones who have it all.

My wish is the same as it is every year. To be surrounded by family, to have everyone home, safe and well. Only twice has this not happened. The worst Christmas ever for me was when my daughter was stuck in Montreal, the second worst, she was working and could not come home. We got up Boxing Day morning, packed up Christmas and took it to her. So it was the Worst Christmas Day but the best Boxing Day.

My daughter also feels that the most important thing is to be together and she looks forward to all the good food, good company and the love. It would not matter to her if there was nothing under the tree...and in the past, there have been years like that. The first Christmas we spent together was one of those, We gave my DH a pair of slippers, one from me and one from my daughter. It was so full of love that when we remember it, it is the love and caring that stand out, not the being financially so badly bent.

My DH is also happy when we can all be together, and looks forward to Christmas Brunch, which he is in total charge of. We always cook from scratch, but over the Holidays, we make an extra effort to make those things that are family favorites, require a lot of prep. and do not get made throughout the year. Extended family by choice also drop in over the holidays.

We have always made it a point of getting the larger necessities for Christmas plus a few small gifts. We always put together a large care package for our daughter, with food staples, personal care luxuries, and new and different foods to try. She says it is the most exciting gift, going through it on Christmas Morning. There is also usually someone who has no where else to go, who shares our Christmas with us.

Anything above and beyond these basics is great if it happens, but not at all necessary, or even missed if it does not.

The Mask

So much has made me angry
over the years 'till now,
that I have had to ask myself
what anger is, and how
it can control the things I do
despite my very vow.

I look behind the angry roar
and lurking there, I see
a myriad different disguises
peering back at me.
Behind each mask I look beneath
the face of fear is what I see.

Book Review

Today, I found a rather negative review had been posted on the site that Journey Into Being, A Beginning is being sold. http://www.lulu.com/zarebatoo. It upset me rather more than I thought it should so I had to sit down and examine it to determine why.

What it comes down to is this. I gathered together the writings and published the book because I wanted to share my personal Journey with others so that they would know that they are not alone, and to perhaps help to point them toward their own path. It is truly from the heart, a little bit of me in every word. I put myself out there spiritually naked for all to see, but that was not the reason the review made me angry.

After pondering for some time, I realized that I was angry because that review might turn someone away from the book without checking to see if it was something that they could identify with and perhaps gain insight from. My DH assures me that this will not happen, that one mediocre review will not defeat my purpose in publishing, and I find that I do agree with him. Those who can gain from it will find it.

Funny how even after all these years, anger can still come up and blind side a person. It also reinforces my belief that anger is not a true emotion. When we look behind it, we always find another face peeking out. Sometimes it is fear, or embarrassment, or disappointment, or other emotions we do not want to deal with. Most often, though, it is fear that I find behind the mask of anger.

When you find yourself angry over something, stop and examine that anger. You may be very surprised at what you will find there. The greatest benefit in this exercise is that once identified, anger usually slinks off into the darkness, leaving you more aware and in control than before. Each time you confront it, it is easier to banish.

Diamonds

I float in the darkness of your night,
a multi-faceted diamond,
ready to reflect your light.
You came equipped
with only a small flashlight.
I catch your beam with one face only
and reflect it bright.
Oh, how much you missed
in that narrow band of light.
You could have seen me clearly,
even by candle light.

Validity

A feeling shared over coffee
reaffirms my membership
in the human race.

A smile shared in the morning
reaffirms my faith in the day.

A memory shared across the years
reaffirms my validity.

Why am I only valid when you see me?

Why can I not define myself and
in my own eyes be worthy?

Upstars at Christophers

Upstairs at Christophers,
we talk our cares away.

A lunchtime spent in sharing
thr troubles of to-day.

The afternoon goes faster
knowing we're not alone.

The problems shared at lunchtime
now are gone.

More Thinkings

She's spoiled, they say.
Will they throw her away?
My garbage can is filled
with things that spoiled.
My kid's not there!~
-----------------------------------------------------
Anger is fear all dressed up for a costume party.
-----------------------------------------------------
For many years, Ive waited
for a day that never comes.
------------------------------------------------------
When a person reads what has been written
as another persons truth, it spurs him on
to discover his own inner truth.

and the search continues.......................
-------------------------------------------------------
METAMORPHOSIS

ugly caterpillar................beautiful moth

will I ever?

The moth is drawn to the flame
Is the caterpillar also?
--------------------------------------------------------
Now you know what my brain does
when I don't pay attention... ;-)

Thinkings

I asked my cat what it was like
to live nine years with me.

He cocked his head and thought a while,
"Interesting" said he.

Did I mention that he always
insisted on meditating with me,
even if it meant scratching a door down.

Fragile said the sign.
They didn't look.
She didn't last.

Is this a haiku?

Maturity

An old soul peeks through the eyes of a child.
They call his purity "innocence",
and wait for him to outgrow it.

They silence his wisdom with their cries
and dim the brightness in his eyes
in the name of MATURITY.

The Butterfly And The Bull

The butterfly and the bull reside together,
side by side, in the one I love.
The butterfly is stronger,it keeps the bull in check,
except on rare occasions when it relaxes its' vigil
and the bull comes charging out.
If they could learn to live and work together,
they could conquer the world.

B.C.

The eyes that tell the story
belie the tranquil face.
The face says "Welcome, sister".
The eyes tell me "Beware".
This time, I'm not ready
to look behind the mask.

On Being Ten and Twenty

She is a woman of to-morrow,
a child of yesterday.
To-day she is a blend of both,
slipping from one tot he other
faster than the eye can follow.
In the course of a day
I can be mother, friend,
confidant, guardian,
and I never know from which
age she will emerge next.
We both grow and learn together.

Confused

Wanting to feel what she thinks she should,
Searching for the impossible dream.............
Believing that everyone else has found it,
Trying to learn to let it be and take what comes,
Making of it only what she can.

More Pictures

Before finding Blogger, I set up a blog on MSN, My Space. There are a number of pictures of the beauty that surrounds me there. If anyone wishes to see them, as well as recent jottings, I have set up a link on the left of this page. The site is called The Time Warp.

The Trees I Talk To

These are not the big old trees that I enjoy communing with, but they are the younger ones that live closer to the house. They are part of the wonders of Nature that surround me and cradle my soul.

The Book Is DONE

The book is done, I finished at 3 o'clock this morning.The book and downloadable Cd are available at Zareba's Place, shown in the list of links on the right of this page. I would really appreciate it if anyone can go and have a look at my storefront and let me know what you think. Don't forget to click on the book, then click to see the back cover as well. It is a picture of me, taken at the time most of the journal entries were made.

I have never done anything like this before and I not only wrote it, but had to do the publishing as well. Lulu will simply print each copy as it is ordered, ship it, collect the money, take their large share and send me anything that is left...but I did not have to put any money up front and for that I am grateful.

I am totally exhausted and will take a couple of days to recuperate. Then it is back to work as I want to put pictures and graphics in an e-book version and make it available from here.

Thank you for any comments and suggestions on making it better.

The Caretaker

I know that I have already posted today's post, but this one really goes hand in hand with it so here is tomorrow's a day early!


The body is the temple of the soul, the ego is the caretaker of the temple. The ego, poorly trained for the job, believes he is the owner of the property, and in the absence of the true owner, uses and abuses his trust. But he can not really be held accountable because of his immaturity and incomplete training for the job.

Like a child, he must be corrected gently, but firmly, and properly taught his duties. Sometimes, like a hyperactive and wayward child, he is unwilling to accept authority, and relinquish his faulty conception of his role.

Anger and self-pity are the tools he uses to block out his master’s voice and avoid hearing the truth. Like a child, his fear of the unknown can slow his progress.

I can’t help but feel that children who are born angry are at this particular stage of soul development. The ego’s false sense of importance is the cause of much human woe. Lose it and one becomes invulnerable.

The Space Suit

On the moon, man can not function but within the controlled environment of his space suit. He can not interact directly with the moon around him. On this earth, man can not function but within the controlled environment of his body and brain. He must strive mightily in order to consciously realize his greater self, using the tools provided in the physical body.

Lifetimes lived within this space suit of the physical creates fear to venture forth into the unknown without the familiar. Even the daring are most often content to psychically duplicate the familiar and experience what is termed projection. Few are the brave souls who venture forth into the expanded awareness that is ours by virtue of the soul’s heritage.

Compatibility

We are varicolored translucent disks, floating on the sea of life. When we drift into contact with each other, the overlapping portions form a third color. The strength of our relationships depends on the size of the overlap and the desirability of the color we create between us. The length of the relationship depends on the currents in the sea on which we float.

Lady Mañana

Tomorrow's child.
No one has yet told you that
"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"
So you still live in the future.

There are so many tomorrows
Ahead of you that you can
Spend them recklessly and still
Have all you think you'll need.

I hope that when tomorrow becomes yesterday
You will have spent them
As wisely and well as you would have liked,
My Lady Mañana.

Mic Mac

Lost in time
Somewhere between then and now
Hair on his shoulders
In two long plaits of long ago.

Listening to the jazz of today
Played by the men of tomorrow.

Does he know where he was?
where he is?
where he will be?
Does he care?

Frustration

Sometimes, I scream in anguish.
The pain is not the cause.
I've simply lost a privilege
And can not adjust my life.

The Words "I can't" create the scream
That wells up in my throat.
Frustration is the cause.
I need, but can not do.

Does Anyone Know?

I found this little bit of a poem a number of years ago, but have not been able to identify it. It is haunting, and I hope that someone here knows it and can give me the rest of it. Pleaseeee!


Once I was wild as the eagle in the sky,
Free to love, to live and to die.
I roamed this land from the mountains
To the sea, brother to the elk,
The bear and the deer.
Up the rivers, the lakes
and the redwood trees,
This was my land,
As far as I could see.
This will be the last song of our people,
The first people in this first world.
Now we are going, for you it will be hard,
You folk, farmers and fighters.
We are not sorry this world is passing,
People of the next world
Will not be long in coming.

What She Must

Not yet ready for transition,
She struggles to bide here yet a while longer.
What will she do with the extra time?
What must she finish? What must she learn?
What must we learn from her?
Courage? She has that in abundance.
The impermanence of all things?
That is there to see in everything around us.
She will know when the time is right.
Grant us the courage and understanding
To accept her knowledge
And the ability to help her
Do whatever she must.

Grafton Street

He stood detached,
Hearing his own rhythm,
Beating the time
to the musin in his far away head.

They listened,
More on stage than in the room.

Old Moze - Bizarre

Crazy old black piano man
Hiding behind the woolen scarves
And hats of yesteryear,
Playing the bogeyman for all to see.

But what are you hiding with the crazy show?
What do you protect from prying eyes?
Do you ridicule yourself or the rest of us?

While we are laughing at you,
Or frightened by your antics,
Are you laughing behind the mask
You made so long ago?

What happened to you that makes
The mask so necessary?
Would you let someone look behind it?
Or would you run in fear of discovery?

Shall we find out?

Threshold

She stood on the threshold of greater knowledge
But could not open the door.
Her fear that growth would set her apart
Outweighed her need to know.

Hesitantly, She took a step backward
To find only madness there.
Back again on the threshold, she stood,
Uncertainty keeping her there.

Sanding there,her need to know
Grows greater each passing day.
Until, on some tomorrow morning
She will open he door and find the way.

Ned

Does Ned have two heads and green skin?
or is he just like the rest of us?
trying to cope in the best way he can
in an environment that is not hospitable
to those who have not lost the capacity to feel?

Do we have the right to tell him what he
should think, how he should feel,
how he should act and react?
Do we have all the answers
that we can judge him?

Are you perfect, perfectly happy,
perfectly adjusted. perfectly knowledgeable,
that you can, with a clear conscience,
take on the re-molding of a human life
to fit your standards? Do you really want to?
Are you even sure that your reality is the only one?

Do you know what his reality is?
Have you seen him from the inside?
Can you feel his pain,
his frustration, his joy, his rage?
Before you try to force him into something better,
wouldn't it be wise to be sure it really is better?

Perhaps, if you really care, if you really try,
and if you are really sincere,
he may allow you to share a little of his world,
and if it is really meant to be
he may even take a second look at yours
before he rejects it, as you have rejected him.