Monday, July 17, 2006


This one I wrote a number of yeas ago after someone tried to make me responsible
for their spiritual development, rather like a minister or priest. It was very difficult
to convince that person that I don't have the answers for them. I only have my own,
and not all of them by far.

Each person must find their own answers and follow their own path. It is very dangerous
to give one's fate into the hands of another. The person looking for a guru stops searching
for their own path and growth stops. The person who accepts the role of guru bears the responsibility for their effect on the other, and will incur karmic debt, either positive or negative.

A phrase that stuck with me is "the God of my heart", and I believe that no one should
stand between you and the God of your heart. There are many, many paths up the
mountain, all lead to the same place, the top and enlightenment. I can not choose another's path. I wish only to carry my candle and mirror, the candle to light the path at my feet to avoid stumbling, and the mirror to reflect another's truth, which is already inside them. They need only to rediscover it.


Once I found a guide
And made of him an idol.
I took his light
And used it as my own.
I followed his path
And forgot about my own.
In a patch of sunlight
I began to see his faults
And condemned him for his flaws
That I had refused to see.
I forgot that he had offered
Only to lend a light
To see me on my way,
And the idol I believed him
Was only in my mind.


One small door, I could not open,
For monsters lingered there.
The others all were easier
For I knew what they must be.
In keeping shut that little door
I fought the tides of life.
But, one morning bright and early
I allowed myself to travel through.
Behind the door that scared me so
The monsters were so small
And feared the light to such degree
That passing glimpses only, did I see.
Beyond the door lay light
And warmth enough to spur me on
To open each new door I find
And let the light grow brighter still.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Another Dimension

Another Dimension
Untouched but not unaware,
I walk through the throngs of shoppers.
Unreal but not unanimated,
They move through the halls and shops.
There but not there,
I seemed the only reality in a cartoon land.
Alone but not truly apart
I strolled through the world of every day.

Suspended Animation

The way it was is perhaps the way it will be.
The way it is, is different, altogether
From anything ever experienced before.
Caught up in suspended animation,
Afraid to breathe, lest I be disturbed,
Desiring to know the future,
Desiring not to know the future,
Caught between yesterday and tomorrow
Wishing to remain here always,

Oblivious to both

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Adrift on the sea of life,
In a raft as fragile as a leaf,
The calm in the eye of the storm
Was made for weary travelers,
A place to gather strength
Before braving the forces once again.
How long may I drift here
Before a vagrant wave
Picks up my fragile craft
And hurls me once more
Into the teeth of experience.


I float in the darkness of your night,
A multi-faceted diamond,
Ready to reflect your light.
You came equipped with
Only one small flashlight.

I catch your beam
With one face only
And reflect it bright.
Oh, how much you missed
In that narrow band of light.
You could have seen me clearly,

Even by candlelight.


I float in the darkness of your night,
A multi-faceted diamond,
Ready to reflect your light.
You came equipped with
Only one small flashlight.

I catch your beam
With one face only
And reflect it bright.
Oh, how much you missed
In that narrow band of light.
You could have seen me clearly,

Even by candlelight.

I See



Tuesday, July 11, 2006


Honesty is such a rare commodity that meeting it strikes fear into the
hearts of many. When one both gives and demands honesty in a
relationship, you act as mirrors to each other. Initially, the act of
seeing oneself in another’s eyes will cause them to retreat in shock
and startlement, but they will be drawn to look again and again.

If they like what they see they will look at every opportunity.
If not, they will avoid you until they are drawn for another peek,
just to see if anything has changed.

Being a mirror carries responsibility. You must do your best
to reflect clearly and without distortion. You are trusted
to reflect honestly and actions taken because of a faulty reflection
create debts that you must pay.

A still pool reflects most accurately. It also draws many to
look and learn.


Gaea, Earth Mother, Goddess, State of Harmony.
You wear as many guises
As there are eyes to see you.

As a child, I see you as a child,
Sun on your hair, bird on your finger,
Laughter in my ears, joy radiating from you
Like the sun on a rainbow.

As a woman, I see you as a woman,
A gentle smile on your lips
The young at your feet, bandaging a hurt.

In my sadness, I see you as
Comfort personified,
Rocking me in your arms, your breath
The breeze rustling in the trees.

In my anger, I see you as
A storm upon the ocean,
Venting your energy where no one is hurt.

In my pain, I see you as mother,
Rocking me on your knee,
Soothing me with gentle sighs
And soft caresses.

In my joy, I see you as a smile
Dressed in wild flowers
Dancing in a forest glade.

In my fear, I see you as a giant oak,
Your leafy arms around me,
Your crown bent to protect
This child of yours.

But always, I see you
Watching over all that is.


Reading a friend's blog reminded me of this, written on the deck one lazy summer day, watching the grass grow.

A sunbeam caught in a spider’s web
Struggling to be free,
Dashing back and forth along each strand,
The sunbeam and me.
One last shimmering dash
And the sunbeam is free.
Could I but ride the sunbeam ……

I’ll learn. … …


Two items written at different times in the past. I still believe in preserving one's innocence as long as possible. It truly is protection from a world gone mad with the need to shock. Funny how the subconscious continues to mull over a thought until it emerges full blown. I had not realized I was still pondering the role of innocence in our lives until Ode To Lost Innocence flowed from my pen one day.


Innocence, in layers,
protects our very soul
from a world of ugliness
each day ‘till we grow old.

The years of living peel the layers away,
but if we guard it well,

some protection yet may stay.
Today’s child tears recklessly
at the innocence he wears,
not knowing his coming nakedness
against worldly cares.
Could he but know tomorrow’s need
for what he so lightly throws away.
If I had it all to do again,
my innocence, I’d keep intact as best I could,
against a day of need.
A cloak not missed until it’s lost.
I wish I could have guessed what cost.
What cost my carelessness,
in blindly tearing from my soul,
those layers of innocence.
In the prime of life, I’m old,
made old by my own fault,
worn down so soon without my cloak
as shelter from the storm.

Ode To Lost Innocence

A soul stands naked in the cold,
Innocence in tatters at his feet.
In times gone by, he was so bold,
Not knowing his future need.
Innocence stripped from his very soul,

The layers peeled without any heed.
Fleeting joys, memories grown old
Provide no warmth in his hour of need.
His youthful senses were dulled

“By my innocence” he said.
To feel the pleasures of the world
Was why he did what he did.
But now, in nakedness and dread,

He awaits the cold reality.
Innocence, once lost and dead
Can never again protection be.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

To cover or Not To Cover

Another subject that I had not planned on writing trach (tracheotomy, trach tube, stoma) all words that 4 months ago were not part of my vocabulary in any way, but are now daily words.

If you are not curious about the subject, please feel free to skip this post completely.

Initially, whenever I went out, I covered it with a scarf so that others would not have to feel embarrassed by staring or trying not to stare but being compelled to look and look again. At home, I did not cover. In general, I have found children to have no problem with it. They ask what happened to my neck, I explain that it is called a trach, and that it helps me breathe, particularly at night. They say Oh, think for a moment then want to go play with Paco. Don't you love the honesty and simplicity of children. If only we could preserve that pure innocence into adulthood, I believe we would not need to spend a lifetime seeking answers. Adults, on the other hand do not deal well with anything that is outside their scope of experience.

After the last trach change a week ago Friday, I decided not to continue to cover it for the benefit of strangers, particularly since it is so hot and humid this season. The scarf was just one more thing to be uncomfortable. My daughter and I had recently taken two of the soft ties that are over half an inch wide and painted vines and flowers on them. I had planned on wearing them when visiting with my grand-daughters by choice. Instead, I took one with me when I went for the exchange. The respiratory techs thought it was a great idea and they used one of the painted ties instead of the plain narrow cotton ribbon, normally used. I put the scarf back in my purse and walked out to meet the world, neck exposed for all to see.

It did not take long to see the results. While I was standing outside a store, a woman nearly ran over another woman with her car, she was so busy "not" looking at my neck that she forgot to look where she was going. All the rest of the time in town, people were staring and trying to pretend they weren't. I would have been happy to answer any questions that anyone had. No one asked. This is small town and most have never seen a trach tube before.

To be fair, many who know me in person and many who only know me on the internet have asked questions and I have been more than happy to answer. Still others, I am sure, have questions that they are afraid to ask in case it hurts my feelings or embarrasses me. So here goes my very own version of FAQ.

The appliance consists of a right angle tube with a base plate near the end that sticks out of my neck, an inner tube that follows the same curve as the outer tube, a "cork" which looks a bit like a bottle cap and fits over the end of the tubes, and two slots in the base plate to feed the ends of a tie through. The tie goes around the neck and prevents the tube from coming out accidentally, as well as prevents me from removing it in my sleep.

The hole in my neck is called a stoma and if the tube were removed, would probably heal over within a very few days. In my case, the trach is permanent as I suffer from sleep apnea caused by nerve damage to my throat and the trach prevents me from stopping breathing in the night. It is nice to wake up in the morning feeling rested and with some color in my face. The sleep apnea was not the reason for the trach in the first place, but is a very good side effect of having it.

Yes, I can talk. There are holes in the bend of the tubes which allow air to flow over my vocal cords and I can speak normally with the cork on the outside of the tube. If the cork is not there, I can make very good obscene phone calls as I run out of air rather quickly, but can still talk.

The modern trach tubes are plastic and are replaced every 4 to 6 weeks. It has taken a few tries to find the most effective and most comfortable brand and style, but I think we have been successful. The regular replacement reduces the chances of infection and allows the doctors to catch any problems in their infancy.

Maintenance is simple and is done twice a day. It consists of cleaning the area and replacing the ties if necessary.

It takes a bit of getting used to as it can be uncomfortable but is not actually painful. The trach does not bother me a bit but I am not really thrilled with having a hole in my neck. Strange what will bother one and not another. It is hard getting used to sleeping with it as I tend to block it in my sleep, then wake up with a start. That is getting better now, but I still have to contend with the cool mist humidifier and the electrostatic air cleaner running all the time and if it is really hot, a fan too. Those nights, I sleep in the morning when things have cooled down some.

The only other thing is to remember to go to the Emergency dept. of the local hospital before I am in serious difficulty breathing. So far so good.

If there are any other questions, please ask as I do not mind answering at all.

Fair Game

When we try to be the best person we can be, there will always be those who think us naive and gullible, "fair Game" and try to find ways to take advantage of us. This does NOT mean that we are wrong and should mend our ways. It simply means we have chosen to follow a different path, one that is right for us. It is not an easy path, but it is one that we can walk with confidence and dignity. It means always trying to do the right thing, going the extra mile, being honest and honorable, to forgive even when we can not forget. It means being able to meet the eyes of the person in the mirror every day, knowing we have done our best.