Tuesday, June 27, 2006

On Anger

Sorry I haven't been here for a while. It is very hard to remember to slow down and not extend myself so much. The price of forgetting is getting higher. This time, I am fighting a bit of an infection that has sapped my strength a bit. On the mend again so I hope to be back soon.

It seems that anger, abuse and the passing of parents that we never quite got to know and reconcile with, are the flavour of the month. I have been thinking about all of this quite a bit lately, and would be interested in any input you may have.

On Anger

There has been much discussion of anger around me lately, and it's effects on both us and those we love, sometimes even tainting the love we feel for someone special.The particular comment that started me writing this was "Even anger must flow freely else it becomes dammed up and spills out inappropriately elsewhere." I agree fully with this, however I probably differ in the method used to direct the flow.

I was born a Leo, with the claws and fangs to prove it. In my teens, my anger was totally uncontrolled. I felt justified every time I took out my claws, sharpened then used them, with no regard for who it might damage. That was not healthy for me or the recipient of my rages, nor does it help to make and maintain good relationships.

One of the first things I had to learn as a young adult was how to tame the beast, and that is exactly what has to be done "tame the beast". You can not put it in the closet and hope it will go away. Things left in the closet tend to grow, it is pretty fertile in there, you know. You can not deny it's existence, it will reach out and bite you as soon as your back is turned. You can not break it like you might break a wild horse. (Wrong way to treat the horse too). You can not just wish it away, and you can not simply let it continue to let it rule your life, particularly if you have a relatively new partnership and a couple of sprouts, as prip calls them. Unfettered anger is hard on relationships and teaches children the wrong lessons.

For me, the saving grace was discovering meditation and the roads to discovery that it took me down. As soon as I started to dabble in it, my innate curiosity took control and I began to investigate the Eastern religions with a vengeance. I did not find the answers I was seeking but I did find the key to anger, at least for me. I became an "Anger Whisperer". I learned to go into the storm and seek the causes. Carved into the rock lintel of the Oracle at Delphi are the words "Know Thyself", which was my first clue. My readings from the book The Compassionate Buddha provided more clues. Many other books and investigations added more pieces to the puzzle, until I was ready to look beyond the obvious. The tools, I had to find myself. After taking the problems that anger causes into meditation, I began to look behind the face of anger to see what was hiding there, what the triggers were that let it loose.

That is when I really started to grow. I saw that each time I let anger out of it's cell, it immediately sprang to my defence, sheltering me from so many emotions that I did not want to own, let alone deal with. If I was afraid, anger would spring up and hide the fear, if I was embarrassed, anger would cover that emotion too, if I felt inadequate, anger was there to hide it from me. What a big task I had set myself..................I had to look at the bare, unpretty sides of myself that I did not want to have anything to do with, but if I was to tame anger, I had to go there.

I looked at my fear each time anger sprang up to hide it from me. As soon as I chose to examine the fear, anger subsided and slunk back into it's den. One piece of the puzzle solved. If I accepted that I had so many fears, anger left me alone to examine them. There was fear of pain, fear of failure, fear of discovery of my unworthiness, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of ridicule, fear of embarrassment, so very many fears that I had no idea I had. What a mess I discovered myself to be, but as they say, acknowledgement of a problem is more than half of the solution thereof. With a wee bit of faith, I began tackling the fears. Each one that I confronted and became familiar with faded into the background, or at least came to me without having anger clear the way.

The day finally came when I was able to look at a situation and say to the person causing me the pain "That really hurt me" while the tears streamed down my face, naked vulnerability where anger used to be. The biggest surprise was that the person causing my pain did not flare up with an anger even bigger than my own had been. They stopped in their tracks, amazement written all over their face as they looked at the whole situation in a totally new light. Both they and I had broken down a barrier to real communication. I am not saying that will happen each and every time one looks behind the mask of fear, because it will not. But it happens often enough that anger now plays a very small part in my life and I am really in tune with who and what I am. Those around me react in different ways, some run for the hills as fast as their little legs can carry them, screaming all the way, some pull up a chair and settle in to having a deep, rich, meaningful relationship, and others do a combination of both, while still others feel the magnetic charge before approaching and are repelled instantly. That's OK because I know that I am being true to myself and I can look into the eyes of the person in the mirror without flinching.
This growth, this owning of all of myself did not happen over night, it is the culmination of over 40 years of soul searching and making every attempt to become the best ME that I can be. Much of my poetry and observations comes from studying and examining both the human condition in general, and my own flaws and growth in particular.

As I near the end of my days, I can look back on my life with few regrets, knowing I have done the best I could with the knowledge and tools that I had, and I am not done growing yet. I am just beginning to understand what I see in the mist beyond the veil, and groping for the words to express what I see.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Life's Work

and this is the last one for today.............

Life’s Work

The soul within us all is perfect in it’s
expression. It is only the flaws in the vessel
that contains it, which cause the imperfect
reflection. It is the duty of each of us to mend
the flaws in order to allow the beauty of
perfection to shine through. This is the life’s
work of many life times. We must show each
other by example that progress can be made.

Peace Profound

My life of pain is written
In the tears upon my face.
My capacity for joy is written
In the depth behind my eyes.

Understanding is reflected
In the timbre of my voice.
Peace Profound is waiting
In a chamber in my heart.

The events of each day
Form the path I must take
To reach the chamber
Holding ultimate bliss,

And gladly I walk
Through the refining fire,
To reach such an ultimate goal.

A Train Ride

This one is based on a dream I had many years ago, that is still vivid in my memory.

A Train Ride

I stood at the door, staring out at the night,
alone in the crowd, on the train that night.
The stops went by, the doors closed tight.
My panic rose and I had to fight
the fear that rose in my heart that night.
I felt something wrong, they thought it right
to travel to nowhere, forever in the night.
My heart stood still, I had to alight.
Back again to where it all began,
The doors opened up and I almost ran.
It mattered not that they felt fine
to stay on the train at the end of the line.
I stepped out with a heart so free.
Most of the others that I could see,
Content to ride in the endless night.
The crowd seemed to feel that it was right.
I followed the few who left the train
and felt that all was well again.
We moved along in single file.
I looked and wondered all the while
the big recycler stood alone.
I walked in and was instantly gone.
I watched and saw, overlooking the train
that it simply all began again.
The choice was mine to leave the train.
I need not ride again and again.
All I needed was to know
and the desire that I should go,
to leave the train and travel on,
to see their fate and find my own.


More jottings from memory lane.

This one I wrote during a particularly difficult period when I was feeling like I would rather be someone else who did not have so many troubles.


I’ve traveled down so many roads
Searching for the truth,
And each new thing that I have found
Has piqued my need to know.

Sometimes I think the flowers
Are the luckiest of all.
Their simple lives are safely lived
Within the garden wall.

They do not ask, they do not care,
They do not need to know.
But then I stop and think about
The walls that fence them in.

Their garden life, I could not live.
I think I am a weed. Crabgrass, perhaps.
I love to spread my roots out in the soil.
I seek out every fertile spot
To see if I’ll grow there.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Old Thoughts, New Life

Thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts with me. It is wonderful to have so much input that stirs my brain to think. Crossword puzzles are not sufficient exercise for the mind when recovering from drug over doses.
Some things that have happened recently have sent me back to my old journals and much of what I wrote years ago still holds true today. I will post some of the items here.

The Threshold

She stood on the threshold
of greater knowledge
But could not open the door.
Her fear that growth would set her apart
Outweighed her need to know.
Hesitantly, she took a step backward
To find only madness there.
Back again on the threshold she stood,
Uncertainty keeping her there.
Standing there, her need to know
Grows greater with each passing day.
Until, on some tomorrow morning
She will open the door and find a way.


The unknown lurks around each bend.
We choose to face it with fear or expectation.
Fear makes of it a monster,
Expectation, an adventure.
Some lives are lived in constant fear
Of monsters in the dark.
My life is lived in constant hope
Of adventure in the dawn.

Looking Within

If you could look within yourself
You would find the answer
To every question you have ever asked
And more, much more.
If you could be so quiet
You could hear your toenails grow,
The knowledge of the universe
Is there for you to know.
Your inner self is but a part
Of all that is and was
And ever will be.
You are IT, could you but see.
Turn you eyes and ears inward,
Look within your soul, listen to your heart,
Recognize your rightful place
In a Universe of love.

The Caretaker

The body is the temple of the soul, the ego is the caretaker of the temple. The ego, poorly trained for the job, believes he is the owner of the property, and in the absence of the true owner, uses and abuses his trust. But he can not really be held accountable because of his immaturity and incomplete training for the job.
Like a child, he must be corrected gently, but firmly, and properly taught his duties. Sometimes, like a hyperactive and wayward child, he is unwilling to accept authority, and relinquish his faulty conception of his role.
Anger and self-pity are the tools he uses to block out his master’s voice and avoid hearing the truth. Like a child, his fear of the unknown can slow his progress.
I can’t help but feel that children who are born angry are at this particular stage of soul development. The ego’s false sense of importance is the cause of much human woe. Lose it and one becomes invulnerable.


The truth is within us all. We need only to recognize it. When we hear the words of truth that we have not yet remembered, it resonates within and awakens that truth in us. With truth comes a positive feeling; We simply know it is a truth. To progress on the path, we need to listen, read and research other people’s truths in order to find our own.
Our physical minds are sophisticated computers. As such, we need to expose ourselves to a wide variety of input. If the words are not in our computer, we are not able to recognize or articulate our truths when they do manifest.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Strong Feelings

As you can tell from the four previous items, this is an area that I feel strongly about and have visited in my mind many, many times. These thoughts are probably not in their final form even now, but I am interested in any comments you, the readers, choose to make.

A leap of Faith

Each time we reach a new plateau of knowledge and understanding, we must get there by leaping into the unknown. This leap can be downright terrifying, but if we shy away from the precipice, the doorway we can not see beyond, the result is often stagnation and at times, even madness, as we deny the very growth we work so hard to achieve. Once committed to the path, we have only the choice to proceed or to dally, with the attendant consequences. We must face this challenge over and over again as we approach each new leap forward in understanding, acceptance, growth.

We approach a doorway into more light, but are afraid to walk through. We stand there, hesitating, afraid to go in, afraid to go back, afraid....Another way to picture it is standing on the precipice, working up the nerve to jump, trusting that all will be well and will be as it is meant to be. I believe that each crisis we reach and pass, makes us stronger, more willing to take that leap of faith.

Courage is not the absence of fear; it is acting in spite of it. Walking the path takes true courage. I have found that the only real enemy is fear itself. If we can act in the face of fear, we can walk our path with confidence.

Enlightenment and Stumbling Blocks

I have met so many who believe that fireworks should go off, bells should ring and we should become changed beyond recognition in the blink of an eye. If that is what enlightenment means to you, you might as well give up now. The likelihood of that happening is akin to waking up tomorrow on another planet. It just ain’t gonna happen.

I am not exactly sure where these expectations come from, other than many who find the way are lost again at the first indication of extraordinary powers. They put forth the idea that these powers are granted as part of the path, rather than the true fact that we are simply aware of more of what we already are. These so called powers reside in all of us., even in those who have no idea how to access them.

All great teachers have warned that these seeming powers are a trap that can lead us from the path. They should be noted then let go, just as the ego's thoughts are noted then let go while in meditation.

The possibility of the ego seizing on these abilities as it's own and using them to further it’s goals is a real and present danger. The only acceptable use of these newfound powers is when we are sure that we have been called upon to perform some act that benefits another. They should never be used for personal gain of either power or financial benefit. Such use will take us from the path and build up massive karmic debt. When we interfere in another's life, we must accept responsibility for the good or the bad we do. Such interference should be done only after a great deal of thought and examination of one’s motives.

Astrological Addiction

I have always had a very negative attitude toward astrologers and fortunetellers. The gifts we receive, the talents we are given on the path, are given to us for the purpose of truly helping others, not for personal gain and not for parlor games or for self aggrandizement. Should someone have those talents and mis-use them, I believe they are lost to that individual, who then has to rely on a good knowledge of human nature and the ability to read the face, posture and voice of those they read for.

Are "psychics" picking up on something? Yes, at least the good ones see "shadows of what might be." Is it set in stone? No. Unfortunately, it is so often a trap for the Ego and the “psychic” loses any ability they had to perhaps help people to guide their lives on their individual road maps. If one is given the power to do good and uses it for their own benefit, they will incur karmic debt that will be painful. It is not a punishment per se; it is simply the law of cause and effect in practice. If a child puts his hand on the stove and is burned, it is not punishment for doing what he was told not to, it is simply the result of touching something hot. All our lives we are being taught this particular lesson. It is a good idea to think through an action that affects others before proceeding.

Because we have free will within the road map we are born with, it is not possible to predict events with any kind of certainty, only to glimpse the possible consequences of following the road the client is currently on. The great danger with Astrology is of self-fulfilling prophecies. Predictions that come true because of the client's belief in the fortuneteller, store up karma for the fortuneteller to work off in future life times. That is a responsibility I would not care to carry, or a debt that I do not care to incur.

I have had far too many experiences to dismiss it as nothing, but I do refuse to either read or be read for. I find that my connection to the All provides me with guidance and answers when I listen. I try very hard to simply carry a lamp to light the path and a mirror to reflect each person's own truths.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Fate and Free Will

The issue of Fate and Free Will has come up again. So many people go to psychics to have their future told to them, then because they believe what they are told, go out and proceed to make it happen as foretold. If what they are told is good, no harm is done, but if they are told that something bad will happen, and they make it happen, I believe the "psychic" bears responsibility and has incurred a karmic debt . I also believe that we need to take responsibility for our own lives and make our own choices. It is the only way we are going to grow and mature as spiritually awakened beings.

I am reposting a small article I wrote a while ago about fate and free will under the heading "The Path"

We come into this life with a path set before birth. This path is chosen for what we need to learn, what we need to do in this lifetime. This does not mean that The Fates rule our lives. It simply means that we are born with a road map, preserving free choice within that map.

Our choices before each birth determine our geographical location, family into which we will be born and the time of our entry to the world. We could not be born to Native American parents in Canada and through choice, become African-Americans in Egypt, however we can make choices during our lifetime that would take us from Canada to Egypt. We would still be Native-American Canadians, born of Native American Canadian parents.

Our early lives are governed by our pre-birth choices, but as we get older and start to make conscious choices, our road map is laid out in front of us. Each choice we make can change the course of our lives on that map.
....................Free Will

Thursday, June 01, 2006


Written to a very special person while still in the ICU

Somewhere between here and there, now and then,
this life and the next, where nothing is real,
everything is real, all is possible and all is now,
in that impossible glowing mist of all and nothing,
we met and made an agreement.

I do not know if you can remember consciously,
but I know that you know.
I promised to do this one last time and
you promised to not ask it of me again.
You are right, dearest Sister of the Soul,
we are not finished this time around,
but I do not know what more there is.
As we have danced this dance before,
and will do so again and again.
Something new this time was to find
the beautiful, ephemeral spirit that is
our other Sister of the Soul,
twined there with us.

I know I owe a duty to try to finish
helping those I promised "to shine my light
in hope of finding the beginning of their path",
I also have a book to write, a blog
to keep up, on line groups to participate in
and a life to finish properly.And most of all,
I have a family both by blood and by choice
to love and cherish and finish my life with.
I know that as long as my life is of more
importance to others than my passing,
I owe a debt to try and preserve it.

Somewhere there is a wonderful lady
who's tears have bathed my face,
and we made a commitment that
I am not sure I understand yet.
I know only that it was meant to be.