Forty-two

Sitting in the ICU watching my heart try to flutter like a butterfly while beating like a drum, thinking of the meaning of Life, The Universe and Everything. In A Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, the answer is 42.... which is probably as good an answer as any of us will be able to articulate.

For me, a successful life is one that has made the part of the world it touches even a wee bit better. Today, all three of my daughters came to see me, the two by choice and the one by blood. I cannot say how proud I am of all three. When I look at them, I know the magic will continue for all of the children whose lives are touched by these three wonderful women. If I am responsible for even a little of this legacy, then my life has been a success.

No, it's not time yet! Only time to contemplate both past and future on this Journey. I can not provide a path, a destiny for anyone other than myself, but perhaps I can provide some light on the questions that start a search for one's path.

What is life? Why are we here? Is there life after death? Do we have a purpose beyond being born, growing up, reproducing, growing old and dying? I know that we do. I have found that once we start asking questions, we start being steered in the direction of answers. We see things, hear things, read things that we had not previously noticed, that sometimes resonate with a place deep inside of us that simply says "This is true!", and we have found our first answer. Our answers are all within us but we must seek them out. After the first one, they start to come faster and faster. We get better at asking our questions and recognizing the answers.

There is a saying that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear. While that is very true, it does not always happen the way we expect. Often we are led to situations, circumstances, evens, or people which give us only one answer or even just a hing at where to look next. We may well not recognize these fleeting teachers.As we progress, the corollary of that saying may well be "When the teacher is ready, the student will appear. On this path to Awareness, we are all teachers and we are all students. We must walk our path with one hand stretched out in front to receive help when we need it. There will always be someone there to guide and give us confidence when faced with a new threshold. We must also remember to keep a lookout behind to help those who follow when they need it most.

We all experience times when we feel that life is progressing as it should, then suddenly life will turn upside down on us. Like any up hill path to the summit, there will be easy times and hard times. When it is hard, we need someone to remind us that it is always darkest before the dawn and that a new dawn is coming in all it's glory for us too.

After surviving a few of these dark nights, we develop faith in our Selves and our Path. I suppose that one way of putting it is that we become Survivors simply by learning that we do survive..............and suddenly we begin to take responsibility for our selves. No longer is life happening to us, We realize that we can choose many of the events in our lives, and even when we can not choose the event, we are in control of our reactions to it.

More and more, we chart our own path, make our own decisions, own our own lives. What a wonderful adventure we begin when we find our volition.Everything changes, we have found our Self. The great Journey begins in earnest. Each day becomes an adventure. We stop running from and start running to. We have truly begun our Journey Into Being. Each new truth leads to another. We are Awakening. We seek out and find others who are Awakening. We become seekers after light. We begin to carry an inner light and a mirror in which we reflect others truths back to them as ours are being reflected to us.

Like the ripples on a pond, our knowledge grows wider and wider. Like the stillness beneath the surface, our conviction grows deeper and surer. What has been set in motion can not be stopped., We are Awakening. We are part of All That Is. We are part of the One. We ARE!

The Fairy Godmother Department

We always wonder why we are not showered with good things when we start to consciously practice being the best person we can be. While the things we need are drawn to us exactly when we need them, other things we expect do not materialize. If, for instance, our motive for pursuing the Path is to win the lottery, your chances for success are slim. If you need to make next month's rent, the means will be provided.

When asking for help, we must remember to clearly ask for what we actually need and trust that it will be provided, probably in a way that seems least likely. Do not tell the Creator how to look after us, simply trust that we will be looked after.

I have always explained this phenomena a bit of tongue in cheek, by explaining that the Fairy Godmother Department is staffed only by one little old lady in a rocking chair, knitting on her knee, kitten at her feet. She reviews the requests as quickly as she can, granting those that are legitimate, but the backlog is very large.

On the other hand, everyone wants to work in the Practical Joke Department, and many of them have a very strange sense of humor. Most gift refusals are channeled through them. Knowing this, it is probably a very good idea to really consider what we ask for before actually asking.

I have recently had experience with both departments. Twice last week, my heart was artificially stopped and restarted in an attempt to return it to it's proper rhythm, the second time was successful. I can not pretend that I was not a little bit afraid, afraid of more pain, afraid of more suffering, but not afraid of passing over the final threshold in this life. I have stood on this particular threshold many times in the past, only to turn back and stay a while longer. I am not finished with this life, or at least it is not finished with me. Nor is the Practical Joke Department finished with me. Early morning on Christmas eve and my blood pressure was 205/109 with a pulse rate of 79, but it was steady and consistent, no flutter, so I got to go home in the afternoon. It was a reminder to slow down, take it easy and carefully as I start to regain my strength and resume my life.

Needless to say, preparations for Christmas were stopped in their tracks, no gifts bought or made and wrapped, no decorations up, very little special baking done............yet it was one of the best Christmases ever. My family's' only wish was that I would be home for Christmas, and I made it home just in time to curl up under the tree for Christmas morning. My very first experience at being a gift.

We never know how much we are loved until there is a danger of being lost. My family, both blood and chosen, dropped everything to come and see me even though it was hard to do. The love that surrounds me sustains me.

My wish for everyone is to experience such love, and to recognize it when it is there. Do not let the sun go down on a quarrel, do not forget to tell those you love, just how important they are to you. The most powerful force in the universe is love, but it is easy to forget to show that love each and every day.

When I leave this world, I would like to work in the Fairy Godmother Department.

Joy and Sunshine

I wish you all Sunshine and Joy this season of celebration,
regardless of the particular tradition each is celebrating.
We all have something to celebrate, whether religious or not.
It is the end of the darkest days, the beginning of the
lengthening days moving slowly toward spring and a
bursting forth of new life and joy from the earth itself.

May your hearts be light, may your cares be few.

Inside Out

The tears roll down my face.
They don't have my permission.
Outside, my pain is written
in the water on my cheeks.
Outside, my body reflects
the state of the outer me.

The ocean of life cradles my soul,
deep, where no one can see.
Inside, the blows are cushioned
by a sea of tranquility.
Inside, my soul reflects
the state of the inner me.

So if you see me crying,
if you think you see despair,
don't let concern for the outside
blind your eyes to the inner life.
Remember that reflections
are not cast from the inside out.

The End of Days

This was written in September 2002, in response to the predictions of total anarchy, the end of life on Earth and even the end of the Earth itself. People were stockpiling food, clothing, tools, weapons, anything they could imagine needing when they woke up tomorrow to utter destruction.

One of the first prophecies of the end times came from Nostradamus and had to do with the Jews going home, which they did a number of years ago. The Middle East has not settled down since. Another of his prophecies had to do with the mark of the beast on the forehead of a world leader, and was interpreted to mean the birthmark on Gorbachev’s head. Much was written about the bear and the eagle, possibly referring to Russia and the U. S., or perhaps China.

Even the book of Revelation in the Christian Bible referred to the end times in graphic detail. More of these prophecies are coming true with each passing day, the end of the world as we know it is more and more certain. Operation Desert Storm brought us closer to the end as did the American declaration of war on terrorism. Iraq is heating up. India and Pakistan are at the ready and both have nuclear weapons, in part, thanks to Canada giving freely of our technology to make nuclear reactors to generate electric power. China is ominously silent. Both nuclear and chemical weapons exist in abundance. The ability to deliver such weapons anywhere in the world is an accepted fact.

The attack on the U.S. September 11th last year signaled the end of innocence and freedom as we know it. More and more freedoms are being taken away in the name of safety and the populace is accepting gladly these changes. The world economy is shaken to its very roots. The U.S. economy is heading for a very real, very drastic upheaval as the bills for the aftermath of 9/11 come due. The Japanese economy teeters on the brink. Even here at home, we lose services at a steady rate without making any real dent in the national debt. More of the world’s population slips below the poverty line every day. Starvation is no longer a Third World prerogative. It is happening right here at home.

Everywhere there are predictions of dire events, global warming, untreatable disease, floods, droughts, famine, earthquakes, destruction of our environment at an incredible rate, holes in the ozone layer, extinction of more and more species of both plant and animal life before they can even be cataloged.
I think it is obvious that if we do not succeed in wiping ourselves off the face of the earth, Gaea will have a flea bath and certainly reduce the number of Earth’s inhabitants drastically.

There is truly no way to prepare for what is to come. Because the course of history is cyclic, civilizations rising and falling, going all the way back to the decimation of the dinosaurs, Atlantis, Egypt, Athens, Pompeii, Rome, the Biblical Flood (a version of which exists in all religious histories), the European Dark Ages, the British Empire, the Russian Tsars, and now the USSR, Aztecs, Incas, and the list goes on, Life itself is in an eternal spiral of becoming, such that with every turn of the wheel, civilizations fall, but with something left over to begin again with, I believe our emphasis must be not on saving life, but on saving souls. Death, is the eventual outcome of all births, and as we know, death is simply a rebirth on another level. Panic is not called for; we are simply living in the end times of another civilization.

Because it has become truly a Global Village, we are much more aware of what is happening than in the past, which means that the general populace is privy to much more “News” than even twenty years ago. I am not sure I would want to survive, at my age, to greet a “Brave New World” where living simply is a must, with no medical services, no system of care for the elderly nor any of the modern conveniences that make life easier as we age. I believe that is the job of the young. There will certainly be survivors to repopulate the world and start the cycle once more. It would be hoped that these survivors would be much more spiritually aware than past generations.

Perhaps our responsibility lies in trying to make for a more enlightened populace. People are definitely searching for answers, for a better way, for connection with the Divine, the Creator, the Cosmic All. That is why so many Eastern Religions have taken hold in the West, among them Buddhism, Baha’i, Hare Krishna, Transcendentalism, Wicca, Native Medicine, Spiritualism, and any number of fakes allying themselves with the New Age movement. I see our role as one of bringing light to the dark recesses of the human condition, in all possible ways.

Earthbound

A man once said, "come fly with me",
and though I wanted honestly
to join him in the sky and soar,
I was earthbound by the pack I wore.

I could not leave my pack behind,
for it contained this past of mine,
remnants kept for security
and I must plod through eternity.

Strewn along my plodding way
other packs I found each day,
'till yesterday, I heaved a sigh,
shrugged off mine and began to fly.

Finding My Questions

As a child, I felt isolated, different, lost even. If it had not been for my grandparents great goodness and integrity, I doubt that my path would have found me in this lifetime. I had half-formed memories, feelings of something missing in my life. They provided me with a safe framework within which I could search for meaning in my life.

In my teens, I began searching in earnest, reading the Christian Bible from cover to cover, the Book of Mormon, the Koran, Buddhist, Hindu and Taoist texts, the Teachings of Don Juan and many others followed, but I was not finding my answers because I still did not know the right questions to ask.

In my twenties, I encountered the Maharishi Mahesh Yoga and learned Transcendental Meditation (TM) techniques. After using these techniques for a period of time, I finally started to see the questions I must ask in order to start to find my answers. I did not stay with the group, but will be eternally grateful for them having taught me the rudiments of meditation. I was finally on my way, a foot on the path so to speak.

The first time I consciously experienced my connection to the All That Is, I wept. I was coming home! I had no words to express my experience, and even now, so many years later, I do not have adequate words. When you have such an experience, you will have no doubts as to what it was even though you can not describe it. Our computer brains do not have the basic programming to allow such descriptions. We spend a lifetime filling this computer with knowledge and it still is not enough.

An example for me was the time I nearly drove right into the side of a moving train because I did not see it. It was a familiar level crossing, where I had never in my life seen a train. Because of this, my brain did not register what my eyes were reporting to it. It was only at the last instant that my brain woke up and I stopped the car a foot from the train. After an eternity spent shaking and giving fervent thanks, I was finally able to think about what had happened. This was also my first glimmering that the mind is not the brain, but rather the mind uses the brain the way we use a computer.

Memories of things I had read started to surface and I saw that there was much that I had not understood the first time. I now had questions, some of them the right questions. This sent me back to re-reading my whole library and adding to it as quickly as possible. I continued to meditate twice a day and experiment with different meditation practices while raising a family and pursuing a career.

I had always kept a journal of sorts, where I wrote my poetry, musings, insights and other thoughts. For the first time, I could see progress in my thinking. Much that had totally baffled me and left me with that feeling of something missing in my life, started to make sense. Friends and family started asking me questions and listening as I tried to answer as fully and truthfully as I could. Here I think, is where I put my feet back on my path and took up my Journey Into Being for this lifetime.

To be continued

Musings

One step at a time, I walk along the road that I have chosen.
Should I run in total abandon, an obstacle would trip me,
and keep me from my goal.

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Why is it we can not acknowledge the feelings that we have?
Why must we hide ourselves in fear of being different?
Yet, we look at others, half-naked, and know we are the same.

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When two people have decided to separate their lives,
each feels the need to discredit the other in everyone's eyes.
In the painful process, the mud they throw with such abandon,
lands on all around them and their efforts only succeed in
discrediting both of them in everyone's eye.

Beautiful

Flowers

I've traveled down so many roads
searching for the truth,
and each new thing that I have found
has piques my need to know.
Sometimes I think the flowers
are the luckiest of all.
Their simple lives are safely lived
within the garden wall.
They do not ask, they do not care,
they do not need to know.
But then I stop and think about
the walls that fence them in.
Their garden live, I could not live.
I think I am a weed.
Crabgrass, perhaps. I love to spread
my roots out in the soul.
I seek out every fertile spot
to see if I'll grow there.

Only Me

She gives the appearance of being
in control of her own world.
She looks like an authority
on everything she does.
But underneath she wonders
when they will all find out
behind the show of confidence,
"It's only me."

No Reason

I watch him pace the floor
and struggle with his fear.
He knows there is no reason,
yet reason does not help.
Even though it be groundless,
the fear still finds a place.
I can only hold his hand
and wait for it to leave.

Plastic-Fantastic Man

He spent his youth pretending
he was a part of the faceless mob.
At thirty-five, his dream came true.
At forty-five, he wanted
his individuality.
He spent his middle years
fighting to be real.
At sixty-five, he wanted
the secrets of the universe.
He spent his aging years
in regret of his misspent youth.

The Book Has An ISBN!!

I finally managed to get an ISBN for Journey Into Being, A Beginning so it will be listed on Amazon. com and Google Books, I hope. That should make the book easier to find. This publishing business sure is complicated.

The isbn is 1-4116-6402-7

It is also available at http://www.lulu.com/zarebatoo

I have not yet searched Amazon.com to see if the listing is up yet.

The Smells Of Christmas

I wish I could package and send every one of you a sample of the smells in my kitchen right now. My daughter by choice spent yesterday and today with me, doing our Christmas baking together. We are far from done, but the smells and the camaraderie and the joy and laughter are so thick you could cut and serve it. Pity I can not share it as I would like.

When my health deteriorated to the point that I can no longer do all the things I used to, I thought my life was over, but I have learned that the old skills and knowledge and stories from another time are also valuable and I can make memories for children that will last them a life time. I can share the magic, and help it to go on and on. I don't need to be physically fit to do this, I only need the will and desire to share. How many of us think that we have reached a point where we are no longer worthy of love and able to contribute to our families, friends and society in general? I did, but have learned so much since then. I have learned that it is important to share myself, not just my efforts. I have learned that people enjoy spending time with me, even if they have to do almost all the work of baking (or anything else) but they value my spirit, my knowledge and lore.

Tomorrow morning her girls (ages 8 and 6) will join us for the first of two cookie baking days. This one will be peanut butter cookies and the other one will be ginger snaps. Both batters hold up well to a lot of mauling and still taste great. Both have no egg so our allergic members will not get sick.

We are in the middle of a snow storm that threatens a foot or more of snow and the girls are going to cut their tree down this evening. Can you think of anything more magical?

Christmas is such a bitter-sweet season in so many ways. Not only do we mourn those who have gone before and will not be with us at this season, we mourn those who may be here now but not for the next year. We despair because the season has become so commercial, and most of us certainly can't keep up to the Joneses, and would not want to even if we could. Sometimes we spend so much time thinking about what we don't have that we forget our very real blessings.

How many of us know older people who are basically alone in this season but have a wealth of history and experience that they would be so very pleased to share if anyone stopped to notice that they are worthy of attention and consideration. How many of us know a lot of the old ways that we could bring a little of it back into our lives and the lives of our families. Someone told me they were going to take their young brother to a shelter to serve Christmas Dinner with him. The idea of teaching children the value of giving, and particularly giving of themselves is wonderful.

I wish you all the joys of the season, and the desire to try something old!

Solo

Searching

Secretly she searches
through the alleys of my mind
for some stray thought
or image, that will,
when matched,
clarify her own.

I See

I
see
the
image
of
myself
reflected
in
his
eyes.

What
does
he
see
when
he
looks
at
me?

Some People I've Met

Sylvia
Like an awkward colt, she gamboled
through the meadows of my mind.
Not yet worn smooth and polished
by her contacts with the world,
she threatened the serenity
of the flowers growing there.

Janet
She's brash, she's blunt, she's open
and honest in her reactions
to the world around her.
She laughs, she cries,
she responds in honesty.
A day spent in her company
puts a shine back in my eyes.


Dawn
She hides her light behind
complaints, fear and shyness.
Fear of the world keeps her
from sharing the joy
and companionship.
As her name implies,
she's waiting for a brand
new dawn of life.
I hope she finds her morning
and basks in her long lost sun.

Hermit

Sometimes I's like to live
away from humanity,
in a hermitage, where
their fragility wouldn't bother me.
An ostrich, with its' head int he sand
doesn't see the hunter coming,
nor does it see the sun.
Do I really want to miss
the beauty of their souls
simply to save myself the cost
of seeing their growing pains.

Crutches and Friends

A crutch is someone you use
to help you over the obstacle
time after time.

A friend is someone you share with,
the triumph of getting over
the obstacle for the first time

BY YOURSELF

The Unknown

The unknown lurks
around each bend.
We choose to face it
with fear or expectation.
Fear makes of it a monster.
Expectation, an adventure.
Some lives are lived
in constant fear
of monsters in the dark.
My life is lived
in constant hope
of adventure in the dawn.