Am I to be always alone,
Clutching at shadows that aren't really there?
Am I to be always wishing
For the simple things others take for granted?
Am I to be always searching
for a way to be totally content in my aloneness?
I guess alone is what you feel
When you realize there is no way
To show someone how you really feel.
It is like trying to tell a blind man
What a sunset looks like,
Or show a deaf man a symphony.
One small door, I could not open,
for monsters lingered there.
The others all were easier,
for I knew what they must be.
In keeping shut that little door,
I fought the tides of life,
but, one morning bright and early,
I allowed myself to travel through.
Behind the door that scared me so,
the monsters were so small,
and feared the light to such degree,
that passing glimpses only, did I see.
Beyond the door lay light
and warmth enough to spur me on,
to open each new door I find
and let the light grow brighter still.
Whenever you have found a sense of inner harmony,
the world comes crashing in
and shatters it like a mirror.
It takes so long to put the pieces back together.
However, it doesn't really matter,
You still have the memory,
and, somehow
it wasn't really shattered ......
It is a liquid morrir......
and only the surface
was momentarily disturbed.
Somewhere there must be another like me,
someone who understands the aloneness,
the always being different,
seeing things in a different light.
Sometimes, it is hard to be alone in myself,
with no one who really understands
that the things which happen,
the pain and the problems are alright.
they don't really matter.
Only the love and caring matter.
It is not what we cope with, but how we cope.
We must continue to grow and reach out
to help others to do the same.
Time is ruining out, and sometimes
I almost know something really important,
but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Perhaps it is best that I don't know.
Do you know? wherever you are.
If I could change the world and make it better, what would I change? First, I would have to determine what I mean by better: better for who? better for what?
Since we have already changed so many things to make them better, I should start out by examining the improvements that have already been made: pollution, extinction, violence, crowding .... Somehow, I doubt that this is what we had in mind when we began improving. It is rather like free love. Is it love? Is it free? It all depends on your point of reference. A true improvement must stand up to examination from all reference points.
Next, on what plane should this change take place? the physical? the mental? the emotional? the spiritual? the ultimate reality of being? Whatever it is, it should have a positive effect on all planes. If we are in a school in which we are to learn, then the only logical place to make improvements is in the teaching methods so that we may learn faster and better, in order that we may more quickly reach the ultimate goal.
But this is a free school in which each of us is permitted to learn at our own rate, so that we may recognize the goal when we do reach it. Change should therefore, not affect the rate of learning.
Is there really anything that should be done to improve this school we call our world.
Searching
If there is a purpose to each of the lives we live, then my purpose in this one is to just be there ... not to reach out ... but to simply be there when the time is right, to be strong in my own reality, so that it can be used to help others find their own.
But why is there no one for me to reach out to when my strength is depleted, someone to understand that the weakness is only temporary and that it is alright to hurt.
My problems are not my own, but only those things which others choose to share with me. They are the frustrations of not being able to help someone to be happy, never able to give enough.
Please help me to find more so that I may give more. Help me to share the Cosmic Peace.
All my life, I have made the decisions I made because, in each instance, no other course seemed open to me. As difficult as some decisions were to make, I felt that any other choice would be impossible to live with. There is a particular life to live, a destiny to fulfill and a lesson to learn, a road that I must travel.
The only area in which I have fought my destiny has been in acknowledging my inner self and the experiences and feelings which go with this awakening. This was because they frightened me with the intensity of the pain that can be felt, and the uncharted course that must be followed. In the attempt, I suppressed the biggest part of myself and fought against the tide of my life.
Since acknowledging these feelings, I have allowed myself to start again on the long journey of self-discovery, which is every person's right. The journey is necessary and seems to be happening with no effort on my part, I need only let it happen.
There is much strength and good in my "self", more than enough to deal with the monsters that frightened me so much. I am more complete, more content and more capable. There is a distance between my "self" and my experiences which seems to allow me to feel, but not to be crushed by the experience. This cessation of the struggle against the tide of my life will bring me greater peace, tranquility and strength than i have ever known. This is a journey that i must take.
She breezes in and breezes out
like a breath of fresh air,
Like a ray of stray sunshine.
She is as predictable as our weather,
as exciting as tomorrow,
and as changing as a kaleidoscope.
She is as gullible as a child,
as resilient as a willow,
and as wise as the ageless (when she stops to think).
Knowing her has brought both
tears and laughter in abundance,
and I will miss her when she moves on.
These poems, jottings, observations were written in the late 1970s and early 80s, when I was in my early 30s. They have only recently come to light again, begging for something to be done with them.
So I am transcribing them here, but the feeling is not going away! I will continue to post them here, but am also collecting them into a small volume which will be available some time before December. Hopefully anyone who would really enjoy or benefit will stumble on this blog or the little book.
It is strange that at 61, I have no urge to change them. I am on the same path now as I was then, perhaps a little farther along.
Thank you all for reading them.
