And Men Have Them Too!

I received this from a good freiend. He interspersed his comments throughout the article. It is great to get another point of view. I do not reperesent the male viewpoint in my writing simply because I am not a man and I do not feel qualified. I am grateful that he gave me permission to post it as is. My article is in brick red and CoyoteV's are in dark blue. Thank you CoyoteV


Isn't it ironic that at the very time a woman starts to have time of her own to explore the meaning of her life and devote time to personal growth, is the very same time that society casts her off as used up! This brings about such uncertainty and negativity that depression is often the result.

Men are under similar pressure. Doesn't look like it from a woman's perspective, perhaps, but the pressure is there. We're forced to work as soon as possible, no choices like "to marry or not to marry.....work part-time or do a career or be a wife". I know things are changing but I'm from the old school. One either worked or......worked. Now the workplace is an arena of contention with the very same persons with whom we used to mate for life. Then retire and spend the twilight years together. Now we change careers an average of six times and have no visage of a gold watch in our future after thirty years of loyalty and diligence. The women look at our wallets long and hard before giving us any consideration whatsoever. Get to the fifties and not be married and be called middle-aged crazy trying to hold on to that scepter of youth. And the roles are confused now, to boot.

Depression among men my age is much higher than among the women, I believe.

She fails to recognize her inner beauty, wisdom and hard won knowledge. Society says her beauty has faded leaving her an aging hulk, too fat or too thin, face lined, hair greying. So strong is this image that society projects that she sees herself in the same way, and often turns to food or drugs for solace. It does not matter how much she is loved or by how many.

Yes, I love beauty. Always have, always will. But it has to exist within as well. I have been fortunate to have had the experiences I did. Wonderful, beautiful women. Thing is, though, women want to trade men in so quickly and frequently these days we aren't around long enough to learn to appreciate the lines and greying (which are more often than not covered or dyed). "Natural" women are difficult to find, so we become accustomed to the Vogue and Cosmopolitan images forced upon us. The Editors are women, too. So don't blame Hugh Hefner.
The dissolution of the nuclear family is much to blame. We are not together long enough to see Mom and Dad grow old together, loving one another through the bad times as well as the good. The "Bic Mentality" has taken over. Throw one away and get a new one. Overeating, overindulgence......all the excesses set in and fill the void created by pushing "hard-won love" away. Then one feels unattractive to oneself as well as to others.

It is unlikely that she can change this image without help, but help is hard to find for a woman in mid life. She is often dismissed as "just going through the change". She also finds it very difficult to confide in her doctor, who is actually overbooked and over worked, with no time to devote to ascertaining the true emotional state of his or her patient.

Truth in what you've said. Yet I'd been through "the change" for 5-6 years before I got the axe. All she went through I experienced as well. We may not say a lot or do the right things but we're feeling human beings, too. Blame the lack of compassion from the Doctors on our insurance system, which should be sued in class-action style for practicing medicine without a license. They set the limits. There ARE still good doctors out there. As soon as I changed doctors (primary care) due to benefits change I selected a friend from the synagogue. First thing he did was give me a short form to fill out and immediately, almost forcefully, diagnosed me as bipolar. I have yet to see the assigned doctor for that 'cause the $$$ is paramount at this time. In the interim I quit two medications I'd been taking to escape that "mid-temperament" that is so treasured.
My last diagnosis was dysthymia, but he said it's much more than that. Plus, the changes I've been through the last year or two are major factors. I'm manic, but am still able to apply cognitive practices to situations that would have set me off in a NY minute.
That said...there are doctors (and people) who care but are not allowed due to fiduciary constraints and the "assembly-line" parade of patients they must attend.

If she is able to see the problem and know that she should not be feeling the way she does, there are a few things she can do to help herself to reclaim her life. There is always a need for volunteers in any community and she might well find a place that needs her particular skills. One of the easiest ways to find out that our lives are not so bad is to help others who
are less fortunate. There are also women's centres and organizations in all but the smallest communities, where she can meet other women and participate in discussions and activities that can help to improve her self image.

"Reclaim her life"? What happened to it? Is this a societally-induced condition or a culmination of succumbing to peer pressures? I've witnessed women who tired of their mates and set out to reclaim their lives. Raucously. I referred to it as arrested adolescence. Started with the divorce movement. "My man doesn't understand me. We've changed. I need more. We've grown apart". So many I've heard that I can only point, once again, to the loss of the nuclear family and lack of a mother and father acting in concert. Women, as well as men, are now facing the consequences of their actions and rampant search for the fountain of youth forced upon us by the insidious media.

Where are the men's centers? Bars? Women form relationships much more quickly than men. We're lonely creatures, shunned for the preconceived notion that we're after one thing. Maybe that's becoming true, because the outcome is at the very least predictable and has the fleeting feeling of the love we're missing.

Something that I have suggested in the past is for her to approach her family and friends, and ask each of them how they see her. She should write down all of the answers and when completed, read it all through at one sitting. There is a remarkable difference between how she sees herself and how others see her. This exercise may be enough to help her start to see herself in a more realistic light.

What I suggest is that she (or he) never leave family and friends. But things change and we've become a nation on the move. A constantly weaving texture of broken promises, relationships and lives. We've become a closed-container society. Cars, cubicles and computers. People walk together talking on cell phones to others not present. No one interacts. No one says howdy to the stranger or performs those random acts of kindness.
I don't think there is a single thing you've mentioned that I cannot apply to men my age. We used to become mentors, women became crones. I remember that from my roots. My gandmother and g'grandma were beautiful people. I appreciated what they'd been through with the family, their husbands and life. 'Twarn't no picnic. Few, if any, attain that age and position now where respect is inherent.

The goal is to recognize that she is still a functioning, contributing member of society, with an inner beauty that time and gravity can not steal away. At this point, she is ready to begin using her extra time to dedicate to her hard won growth, to begin asking the questions that will lead to a fuller understanding of what we are and what our life's purpose may be.

And I say "Ditto"!

There are challenges to be met at every stage of life, and this is just one of many.

You must read my friend Jed Diamond's books on Male Menopause and the Irritable Male Syndrome. The man has a keen insight into the scientific as well as societal changes a man experiences as he wends his way through this eeire landscape of life we now face.

Thanks so much for your insights and I look forward to trading more. Right now I'm going to cap an evening of sleep off with a few more hours and hope to feel renewed enough to embrace another day with an ever-renewing hope that things will some day be what they were. With a few adjustments.

Only we have the power to make that so.

CoyoteV

A Woman's Mid Life Emotional Challenge

Isn’t it ironic that at the very time a woman starts to have time of her own to explore the meaning of her life and devote time to personal growth, is the very same time that society casts her off as used up! This brings about such uncertainty and negativity that depression is often the result.

She fails to recognize her inner beauty, wisdom and hard won knowledge. Society says her beauty has faded leaving her an aging hulk, too fat or too thin, face lined, hair graying. So strong is this image that society projects that she sees herself in the same way, and often turns to food or drugs for solace. It does not matter how much she is loved or by how many.

It is unlikely that she can change this image without help, but help is hard to find for a woman in mid life. She is often dismissed as “just going through the change”. She also finds it very difficult to confide in her doctor, who is actually overbooked and over worked, with no time to devote to ascertaining the true emotional state of his or her patient.

If she is able to see the problem and know that she should not be feeling the way she does, there are a few things she can do to help herself to reclaim her life. There is always a need for volunteers in any community and she might well find a place that needs her particular skills. One of the easiest ways to find out that our lives are not so bad is to help others who are less fortunate. There are also women’s centers and organizations in all but the smallest communities, where she can meet other women and participate in discussions and activities that can help to improve her self image.

Something that I have suggested in the past is for her to approach her family and friends, and ask each of them how they see her. She should write down all of the answers and when completed, read it all through at one sitting. There is a remarkable difference between how she sees herself and how others see her. This exercise may be enough to help her start to see herself in a more realistic light.

The goal is to recognize that she is still a functioning, contributing member of society, with an inner beauty that time and gravity can not steal away. At this point, she is ready to begin using her extra time to dedicate to her won growth, to begin asking the questions that will lead to a fuller understanding of what we are and what our life’s purpose may be.

There are challenges to be met at every stage of life, and this is just one of many.

The Spiritual Pillar Part 2, Meditation

One of the tools used to integrate and stabilize the platform of our lives is meditation. It helps us to integrate all four pillars into a cohesive whole, and gives us glimpses of what we are seeking.

There is often an air of mystery surrounding the act of meditating that is really not warranted. Meditation takes many forms, from the very simple to the truly complex. There are many books written on the subject, and most do not require a particular religious or philosophical affiliation in order to learn a meditation practice that fits the individual.

Twenty minutes spent twice a day in meditation has a number of benefits, both spiritually and physically. When we are first learning to meditate, it feels like we are accomplishing nothing, but in actuality, we are both training the Ego to allow us to concentrate and allowing the body to take what it needs while we are otherwise occupied. That is why we often fall asleep or have a full blown idea on how to solve a problem we may have been worrying over.

It is best to begin our practice with no expectations . We are not likely to experience a blinding light or instant Awakening, or sudden talents or abilities we did not have before. These are all unreasonable expectations and simply set us up for failure. If there isn’t instant gratification, many give up after a few attempts, and thus miss out on a very beneficial practice.

One goal of meditating is to still the constant chattering of the mind so that we may connect with the inner self. A simple practice to begin would be a mantra meditation. Simply choose a word or sound that you are comfortable with, perhaps the word love or peace. Find a quiet spot where you are not likely to be interrupted, and sit in a chair, feet on the floor, hands resting in the lap. Once comfortable, close your eyes, take a couple of deep breaths and begin quietly repeating your mantra. When the mind wanders, and it will, simply return to reciting your mantra. When the twenty minutes is up, sit quietly for a few moments before resuming your day. One mistake that is often made is trying too hard, and being disappointed in ones self if the mind wanders.

Meditation should be effortless, gently bringing the mind back to the mantra when it drifts. Don’t become involved in it’s thinking. Simply acknowledge that it has wandered. Some sessions will be easier than others. There may even be times that the mind can not be stilled. Don’t worry about it. It will come. There will be other times that you will become aware that time has passed without your noticing, and that you are filled with a calm, serene, peaceful feeling that you do not have the words to describe. This experience will happen more and more frequently with time, and the feeling will last longer with practice. We do not generally have the words or concepts in our computer brain to express these feelings.

As we meditate, research and read what we can find, we will become more and more able to express our experiences and the experiences themselves will deepen. As we research and meditate, questions will arise, This is the beginning of Awakening. As we find our questions we can begin to search for our answers.

The answers are all within us, but we need to rediscover them, rather like seeing them reflected in a mirror. When we have a question, and find the answer, we will know it is the right answer as it will resonate within. We will be sure of it, there will be no doubt in our minds that it is a truth.

As we begin this process of developing the Spiritual Pillar, we can become so engrossed in the process that we often neglect the other pillars. When that happens, the imbalance will often be reflected in the Physical Pillar. We may become ill or suffer from lack of sleep, or even become emotionally unbalanced. This is the way our physical selves have of attracting our attention. It is necessary to always be aware that balance is not a static thing. It is achievable only in short periods, like a pendulum which swings through the balance point repeatedly. The better we get at paying attention to all facets of our lives, the more frequent and longer the periods of balance will be.

The Spiritual Pillar

The three pillars of balance that are firmly rooted in this world are the physical, mental and emotional. The spiritual pillar is our connection to the eternal soul, the All That Is, the inner self that resides in the temple of the body. The Ego is the caretaker of the temple and has existance only through the mind and emotions of this life. Because we have forgotten what we really are, the Ego assumes that it is the owner, and not just the caretaker.

When we seek to remember our higher self, to reconnect consciously with the All, the Ego feels threatened and becomes fearful that it will be cast aside. Two small items that I previously posted deal with both the Caretaker and the Space Suit that is this physical self. They are reposted below, and I will follow up within the next few days with a deeper discussion of the Spiritual Pillar.

The Caretaker

The body is the temple of the soul, the ego is the caretaker of the temple. The ego, poorly trained for the job, believes he is the owner of the property, and in the absence of the true owner, uses and abuses his trust. But he can not really be held accountable because of his immaturity and incomplete training for the job.

Like a child, he must be corrected gently, but firmly, and properly taught his duties. Sometimes, like a hyperactive and wayward child, he is unwilling to accept authority, and relinquish his faulty conception of his role.

Anger and self-pity are the tools he uses to block out his master’s voice and avoid hearing the truth. Like a child, his fear of the unknown can slow his progress.

I can’t help but feel that children who are born angry are at this particular stage of soul development. The ego’s false sense of importance is the cause of much human woe. Lose it and one becomes invulnerable.

The Space Suit

On the moon, man cannot function but within the controlled environment of his space suit. He cannot interact directly with the moon around him. On this earth, man cannot function but within the controlled environment of his body and brain. He must strive mightily in order to consciously realize his greater self, using the tools provided in the physical body.

Lifetimes lived within this space suit of the physical creates fear to venture forth into the unknown without the familiar. Even the daring are most often content to psychically duplicate the familiar and experience what is termed projection. Few are the brave souls who venture forth into the expanded awareness that is ours by virtue of the soul’s heritage.

More Thoughts On Balance

Many people search for balance in their lives without knowing where to even begin. It has been my experience that the platform of our lives is balanced on four pillars, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Because life itself is not static, we can not simply bring all into balance and forget about it.. We must constantly adjust the pillars, achieving balance for fleeting moments only. The more effort we put into bring our lives into harmony, The more frequent and longer will be the periods of being in balance. In order to know where to start, we need to look at our lives, examine each of the four pillars to see which is the most out of balance.

The physical is usually the best place to start as it is the one we are most familiar with, but is also the most neglected. Since the body is the temple of the soul, we need to treat it with respect, providing for it’s needs. Do we provide clean air, nutritious food, sufficient rest and medical attention when needed? Or do we eat too much of the wrong foods, or too little food? Do we pollute the air we breathe with no regard for the damage to the temple? Do we allow ourselves sufficient sleep, knowing that it is during sleep that the body can work at healing and renewing itself, or do we burn the candle at both ends, assuming that we can deprive the body of it’s needs and catch up at some future time? Do we seek medical attention when illness occurs or protect the body from those things that can make it ill?

Much of the problem we encounter with balancing the physical pillar centers around food, and why we eat the way we do. Many of us use food as an instant gratification of a poorly understood urge for comfort, for pleasure, to fill up an empty spot. As children we are given sweets to comfort a bump or a bruise, a tearful face or to distract us from something else we want. In time, we learn to reach for food as an instant cure-all for any unhappiness we experience. It is even called comfort food. Usually high fat or high sugar or both, our comfort food is not eaten for sustenance, but for consciousness altering.

The result of all this eating is a body that is over-weight, over fed and undernourished. We develop medical problems, causing us to feel bad, then we reach for another chocolate bar, another donut, for the quick fix, the sugar high that makes us feel better for a short time. The larger we get, the sicker we become., the more we eat.

To break the pattern, we need to understand what we are doing and why. We also need to teach ourselves what is healthy food, what we need to replenish our bodies and what to do to comfort ourselves instead of reaching for that comfort food.

Once we have examined the physical pillar and seen what improvements are required, we can begin to become more healthy. Keeping a journal can be very helpful while working at bringing our lives into harmony. We can record the areas we need to work on, the work we are doing and the results. Since instant results are seldom seen, the journal can help us to see results over a period of time. We must set goals that are reasonably achievable within a time frame that makes sense. We would not start taking vitamins today and expect to get a major improvement tomorrow!!! If we record each day what we are doing to achieve the goals we have set, the journal will become a useful tool to not only record our progress, but help to keep us focused as well.

When doing this we need to keep in mind that we are not perfect, only the soul within is perfect. Knowing this, we need to be gentle with ourselves when we slip, and we will slip, more frequently at first, less so as we become accustomed to our new way of living. We should treat ourselves like we would a child, calmly and gently bringing our attention back to the task at hand. Even if we take three steps forward and two back, we are still making progress.

When we get to the pillar of the mind, we need to consider what makes a healthy mind, and what part it plays in the total picture. The mind is an ultra-sophisticated computer and like a computer, it can not function smoothly without basic programming and input.

We need to open ourselves to a wide variety of experiences in order to enrich our data base, and be able to think about many different things. The mind that is active, exploring new ideas, learning new skills, thinking for the sheer pleasure of it is a healthy, happy mind.

We need to interact with others, learn communication skills, share knowledge to keep the mind working well. Without this, we can not search for what will make us whole. We become stagnant, stuck in the same old rut with only vague feelings of something missing, which leads us to the emotional pillar.

If we can not identify what we are searching for, we can make unwise decisions and choices in an attempt to fill that void. We can form unhealthy relationships, fall prey to extortive cults, suffer from long term depression, even become unable to function in our world.

When looking at our emotional selves and determining how to bring that pillar into balance with the others, we often come face to face with the fact that we do not love and cherish ourselves right here, right now. Over the years, we have been subjected to a great deal of negative criticism. It slowly seeps into the center of our being, leading us to believe we are not worthy. The reasons may vary. We may have come from dysfunctional, abusive homes. We may have done poorly in school or in sports and been criticized for not excelling in everything. We may have become entangled in an abusive relationship or marriage where we have seen no way out. We may suffer from depression, either full blown clinical depression or sub-clinical depression, which may go undiagnosed for years. The reasons are as varied as the people who suffer from this low self-esteem.

The first step in reclaiming our Selves is to recognize that there is a problem. We have a right to feel good about ourselves. As it says in Desiderata “You are a child of the universe, you have a right to be here.” It may be necessary to seek out someone to talk to, a family doctor, a counselor, a minister or even a close friend or respected family member. Breaking the silence may be one of the most difficult things to do. We trend to build high walls around our hearts when we feel vulnerable. There are now many help groups, both in the community and on the internet, aimed at providing mutual support. The most difficult part is to isolate and acknowledge the problem. Finding the help we need hinges on accepting that we need help. Until we learn to love ourselves, we can not expect others to love us. People tend to treat us in the way that we expect to be treated.

This body, this mind, this heart, this physical presence is the temple in which the spirit resides and deserves to be loved, respected and cherished. Until the temple receives the attention it needs, we can not begin to search for the questions we need to ask in order to find our proper path and begin the Journey meant for this lifetime.

Once the physical, mental and emotional pillars are brought into balance with each other, the fact that we are searching for something we can not yet name becomes much clearer. Who am I? What am I? Why am I here? What is my purpose in life? What lies before and after this life? So many questions. Where to start to search? At this point, learning to meditate may be the best tool for searching for meaning. It certainly was for me. Again there are good books available on meditation techniques as well as a great deal of information on the internet,. The challenge is to find the best meditation techniques for each individual. What works for one will not necessarily work for another.

Each of us has a unique path to follow, individual goals to achieve, a Journey similar to, but different from all others. We begin in different places. We have different questions to ask and answers to find. We may search in the company of others with similar goals or we may find ourselves in situations where we must walk a solitary path. At different times we may experience both companionship and solitude.

When we reach this point in our Journey, the beginning of consciously walking our unique path, finding our questions, then searching for our answers, we often get so involved in the excitement of finding purpose, we often forget to continue to be aware of the need for balance. The other pillars may well be neglected to the point that we experience great turbulence in our lives. When that happens, it is necessary to stop and re-examiner all of the pillars that support our lives.

And so begins another circuit around the upward spiral of Becoming.

Balance

Thanks to all who inquired after me. It is always good to know that one has been missed.

We live our lives on a platform supported by four pillars, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. In order to have balance in our lives, we need to concentrate on each of these pillars to strengthen and lengthen them as we spiral upward toward Union. It is not possible to bring them into balance and just let them be. We must forever give a little nudge to one or the other that may not be growing at the rate of the rest. Actual balance is achieved only fleetingly before a pillar lags behind again.

In my eagerness to communicate, I forgot that basic fact. I failed to notice when the physical pillar began lagging behind, and in need of attention. I also did not heed the warnings of two hospital stay. Now I must pay attention to my physical health, while continuing to grow in other aspects as well. Less time writing, less time blogging, less time e-mailing, more time with my feet up, at least for a while.

I miss the friendly exchange of ideas and thoughts here, and will do my best to return as quickly as I can.